Custody Battle
by J. B. Tilton
Summary: Piper is once again forced to deal with bureaucracy demons when the equivalent of the Child Protective Services takes her baby out of a dangerous and unstable home environment.
1. Default Chapter

CHARMED "Custody Battle"  
by J. B. Tilton email: PG

Disclaimer: "Charmed" and all related characters and events are the property of the WB television network, except for those characters specifically created for this story. This is a work of fan fiction and no infringement of copyright is intended.

Piper is once again forced to deal with bureaucracy demons when the equivalent of the Child Protective Services takers her baby out of "a dangerous and unstable home environment".

ONE

Piper came down the stairs with her newborn son in her arms. Leo met her at the bottom of the stairs holding a cup of coffee.

"I was bringing this up to you," said Leo. "You shouldn't be up. You just gave birth. You need to get your strength back."

'Women all over the world give birth while working in fields and go right back to work," said Piper. "I feel fine."

"That's an exaggeration, and you know it," said Leo.

"Maybe," said Piper, "but I'm okay. I won't overdo it."

Just then the doorbell rang.

"Just make sure you don't," said Leo, answering the door.

When Leo opened the door, he was met with a startling sight. A black woman dressed in a business suit stood on the porch. The horns sprouting from her forehead and her long barbed tail showed that she was, in fact, a demon. Two male demons, similar in appearance, stood behind her.

"Ah, Ambassador Wyatt," said the woman. "My name is Agnes P. Bicheterous. I'm here to see your wife."

"Who is it, honey?" asked Piper, stepping to the door.

"Ah, Ms. Halliwell," said the demoness, producing a badge. "I'm Agnes P. Bicheterous of the Other World Infantile Oversight and Defense Bureau." She pulled out a folded piece of paper and handed it to Piper. "I have a court order here to take immediate possession of your newborn child. The child is being removed from a dangerous and unstable home environment, which would be detrimental to the normal welfare and emotional stability of a newborn, as stipulated in the order. This is the child, I presume. Please relinquish physical custody of the child immediately."

'Like hell," said Piper as one of the male demons moved forward to take the baby.

"Please, let's not make this any more difficult than it is," said Ms. Bicheterous. "This is a lawful court order issued under the provisions of the Other World Infantile Protective Code regarding the suitable health, welfare, and safety of magical children born to magical parents. You are in violation of provisions 117-23, 146-98, 147-26, and 338-49 of that code."

"No one's taking my baby, least of all a demon," said Piper.

Piper stepped back and raised her hand. Her explosive power erupted around the male demon. The power exploded around the demon, but the demon remained unharmed.

"Please, Ms. Halliwell," said Ms. Bicheterous, "this violence is not going to reflect well in your record."

"Wait a minute," said Leo as the demon forced the baby out of Pipers' hand, "you can't just walk in here and take our baby. This is my embassy. The Other World Civil Code is not applicable here."

"As I said," said Ms. Bicheterous, "this falls under the jurisdiction of the Other World Protective Code. And that specifically gives me the right to remove any child I deem is in immediate danger. Section 223-91 of the Supernatural Interagency Oversight Accord specifically states that the Other World Infantile Oversight and Defense Bureau has the final say other codes and regulations notwithstanding."

"You can't do this," cried Piper. "That's my baby."

"And you'll be allowed to present your case at the hearing," said Ms. Bicheterous, handing a piece of paper to Leo. "Your advocate will be in touch, though the hearing is really just a formality. Once the hearing is over, permanent custody of the child will revert to the Other World Infantile Oversight and Defense Department and a suitable home will be found for the child."

Before either Leo or Piper could move or speak, the three demons, with the baby, flamed out and were gone. Leo and Piper just stared at each other. 


	2. Chapter 2

TWO

"This is not happening," insisted Piper at the kitchen table.

"You mean they just walked in and took the baby?" asked Phoebe. "You couldn't stop them?"

'They're bureaucracy demons," said Leo. "You know your powers don't work on them."

"According to this," said Paige, looking over the paper the demoness had given to Piper, "they're accusing you of some serious charges. Needlessly endangering the life of an unborn child, reckless disregard for yourself and the baby during your pregnancy, failure to provide reasonable and adequate prenatal health protection for the baby, and the unlawful appropriation of the baby's protection abilities for personal use. Whatever that is."

"It means," said a demon, simply stepping through the kitchen wall, "that she used her baby's protection abilities to keep herself from harm. Without first gaining the permission from the owner of those abilities. A ludicrous charge, I'll grant you, but we'll have to answer it at the hearing nonetheless. Irving Malachi Anthony Shyster, at your service. I'll be your advocate for the hearing."

"I. M. A. Shyster?" questioned Paige.

"My father had a very strange sense of humor," said Shyster.

The demon looked similar in appearance to Ms. Bicheterous. Except that he only looked to be about twenty years old. And he had a perpetual smile on his face.

"You're a kid," protested Piper.

"I beg your pardon," said Shyster. "I'm over four thousand years old. And I've handled hundreds of these types of cases. We're going to get your baby back, don't you worry."

"You sound pretty confident," said Leo.

"Yeah," said Shyster, smiling. "They teach you that at the Other World Legal Training Center and Bar and Grill. It's supposed to make the client feel better."

"I don't feel better," said Piper.

"Don't worry," said Shyster. "I'm going to beat this thing. Besides, I have a secret weapon. If I don't have to use it, so much the better. But if I do, it's guaranteed to get your baby back."

"Secret weapon?" asked Phoebe. "What kind of secret weapon?"

'Well, if I told you then it wouldn't be a secret, now would it?" asked Shyster. A file suddenly appeared in front of him. "Now, let's see. Piper Halliwell. A Charmed One, married to Whitelighter Leo Wyatt. Granddaughter to a Wicca high priestess. Club owner. And a stone fox. Oh, sorry about that. Scratch that last part."

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" asked Paige.

"Oh, absolutely," said Shyster. "I'm very good."

"I'd like a second opinion," said Piper sarcastically.

"Okay," said Shyster, "I'm also a great dancer. Sorry, just a little legal humor there."

"Very little," said Paige.

"Gee, no sense of humor," complained Shyster. "Okay, basically, they're accusing you of being an unfit mother."

"The baby is less than twenty-four hours old," insisted Piper. "I haven't had time to be any kind of mother, let alone an unfit mother."

"They claim your conduct during your pregnancy demonstrates that you really don't care about your baby," said Shyster. "You know, fighting demons, warlocks, that sort of thing."

"It's not like I had a choice," said Piper. "When you're attacked, you have to defend yourself."

"Hey, you're preaching to the choir," said Shyster. "I'm on your side, remember?"

"So, what do we do now?" asked Paige.

"We go to the hearing and kick some demon butt," said Shyster. "Figuratively speaking, of course."

"Without any preparation?" asked Piper.

"I'm prepared," said Shyster. "All you have to do is sit there and look pretty."

"I'd appreciate it if you'd stop hitting on my wife," said Leo.

"Gee, lighten up," said Shyster. "I'm just trying to be friendly, that's all."

He turned to Paige.

"So, are you married?" he asked as he transported them all to the hearing. 


	3. Chapter 3

THREE

"This hearing will come to order," said a green demon sitting at the head of a long table.

Leo, the sisters, and Shyster sat on one side of the table. Ms. Bicheterous, with a female demon holding Pipers' son, sat on the other side. All that was present were the table and chairs. Like the other hearings they had attended before in the Other World, this one had only the skeletal appearance of a real room.

"Don't they ever use real rooms here?" complained Piper.

"Quiet," said Shyster.

"My name is Arbiter Settlemontos," said the green demon. "I am an arbitrator, not a judge. However, my decision is legally binding. I'll listen to the evidence and testimony and make my ruling based solely on that evidence and testimony.

"The matter before us today is case number 1173629478136-J, the Other World Infantile Oversight and Defense Department versus Ms. Piper Halliwell. Does the advocate wish to have the specific charges read into the record?"

"I. M. A. Shyster, sir," said Shyster, "advocate for the defense. We waive the reading the charges."

"Who is representing the complainant?" asked Settlemontos.

"Ms. Bicheterous, sir," said Ms. Bicheterous, "senior case worker and field representative for the Infantile Custody and Placement Division of the Other World Infantile Oversight and Defense Department."

"Very well," said Settlemontos. "As the complainant in this case, you may present your case."

"Thank you, sir," said Ms. Bicheterous. "As you are aware, Ms. Halliwell is a Charmed One. The OWIOD stipulates that, after discovering her pregnancy, she needlessly and recklessly endangered her unborn child by continuing to perform her duties as a Charmed One. This often placed her in grave and even mortal danger from demonic attacks. With no thought whatsoever for the safety of her unborn child."

"That's a blatant lie," said Piper.

"Advocate, please control your client," said Settlemontos.

"I apologize, sir," said Shyster. "Piper you have to control your outbursts. We'll get our chance. She's just making her allegations, that's all."

"It is our contention," continued Ms. Bicheterous, "that since Ms. Halliwell demonstrates such flagrant disregard for the life of her unborn child, said child would be in similar danger since its birth. Based on a lawfully obtained court order, I removed the child from the Halliwell manor. We ask that permanent custody of the child be awarded to the OWIOD Department where a suitable home will be found for the child."

"Serious charges, Mr. Shyster," said Settlemontos. "How do you respond to these allegations?"

'Nuts," said Shyster.

"I beg your pardon?" asked Settlemontos.

"They're nuts," said Shyster. "Ms. Halliwell never sought out these demons. They came after her or her sisters. She can certainly not be held accountable or responsible for that."

"She could have removed herself to a safe location where they couldn't get to her," said Ms. Bicheterous. "Her husband is a Whitelighter. He could have orbed her to the Whitelighter realm where she would have been out of danger to protect the baby."

"Sir," said Shyster, "many woman continue to work during pregnancy. And since she was quite invulnerable during her pregnancy, the child was never in any real danger. I submit that Ms. Bicheterous has failed to meet her burden of proof in this matter."

"It is not only her actions we question," said Ms. Bicheterous, "but her thought processes. The invulnerability you mentioned was only discovered when a demon tried to kill her. Before that, she was not aware she was invulnerable."

"Well, that's true," said Shyster.

"And since she didn't know she was invulnerable," continued Ms. Bicheterous, "it demonstrates her lack of proper concern for her unborn child or she would never have put it in harms way to begin with."

"As I've pointed out," said Shyster, "she didn't go looking for demons. They came after her. Again, she can't be held responsible for that."

"He has a point, Ms. Bicheterous," said the arbiter.

"But did she cast any protection spells to keep demons out of the manor?" asked Ms. Bicheterous. "Did she make any charms? Did she even contract for some sort of protection to safeguard her unborn child and herself? Before she knew she was invulnerable?"

"Well, no," said Shyster.

"I believe I have met my burden of proof, sir," said Ms. Bicheterous. "The Protection Code is very specific in this area. I request an immediate ruling in favor of the OWIOD and ask that permanent custody of the child be granted to that department."

"She has met her burden of proof, Mr. Shyster," said Settlemontos. "Unless you have something more compelling, I'll have to grant her request."

Shyster didn't say a word. 


	4. Chapter 4

FOUR

"Mr. Shyster?" questioned Settlemontos after a moment. "Do you have any more evidence or testimony to present in this matter?"

"No, sir, I don't," said Shyster.

"What?" shrieked Piper. "That's it?"

"Ms. Halliwell, please control yourself or I'll have you removed from this hearing," said Settlemontos.

"I will not," screamed Piper. "I'm not just going to sit here while he allows you to steal my baby from me."

"Piper, please," whispered Shyster to her, "be calm. Secret weapon, remember?"

Piper took a deep breath. There really wasn't anything she could do about it anyway. Finally she glared at Shyster.

"If this doesn't work out," she said deliberately, "I will find a way to vanquish you. A very long, very painful way, I swear."

"Trust me," whispered Shyster, winking at her.

"If that's all then," said Settlemontos.

"I do have one final statement, sir," said Shyster.

"Very well," said Settlemontos. "Make your statement."

"You don't have the authority to make a ruling in this case, sir," said Shyster, smiling at Piper.

"Excuse me?" questioned Settlemontos.

"You don't have the authority to make a ruling in this case, sir," repeated Shyster. "The alleged offenses were supposedly committed in the mortal realm. Your authority is limited to the Other World realm. Therefore, it is outside your jurisdiction and you do not have the authority to make a ruling in this matter."

"Irving, are you out of your mind?" asked Ms. Bicheterous. "Or is this one of your twisted jokes?"

"Oh, I'm quite serious," said Shyster. "I believe the arbiter will agree with me on this."

"He does raise a valid point," said Settlemontos. "My authority does extend only to the Other World realm, not into the mortal realm."

"Need I point out, sir," said Ms. Bicheterous, "that the child in question is half Whitelighter. This gives the child dual citizenship in both the mortal realm and the Whitelighter realm. The Other World Protection Code specifically gives you authority in this instance."

"Quite true," said Shyster. "However, the court order granting you temporary custody of the child was issued in an Other World court."

"So?" asked Ms. Bicheterous.

"According to book three, section twenty-two, subsection seventeen of the Other World Diplomatic regulations," said Shyster, "any court order to be served in the mortal realm must be authenticated and cleared through the legal department of the Diplomatic Corps, who will then issue a form 1174-26b, stipulating that the issuing authority does have jurisdiction in the matter. I don't see a form 1174-26b in submission, sir. And even though the OWIOD clearly has jurisdiction in this matter, Ms. Halliwell is still allowed due process. Which in this case she was not afforded.""

"You can't be serious?" asked Ms. Bicheterous. "That clause hasn't been invoked in over one thousand years."

"It doesn't matter," said Shyster. "The provision has never been challenged, let alone overturned. It still remains in effect. As such, I am well within my legal rights to invoke that clause. Since proper procedure was not observed in serving the court order, jurisdiction in this matter still rests fully in the mortal realm. This hearing has no authority to make any rulings in this matter."

"He's right," said Settlemontos. "Whether it's been invoked or not, that clause is still binding on the Other World court system and on the OWIOD. If Mr. Shyster wishes to invoke the clause, he's perfectly within his right to do so."

"I wish to invoke it, sir," said Shyster.

"So ordered," said Settlemontos.

"A formality," said Ms. Bicheterous. "I'll get this cleared through the legal department immediately. We'll then resubmit our petition. And as the arbiter has already said, we've met our burden of proof. He'll have no choice but to grant the OWIOD permanent custody of the child. Until then, the child will remain in our physical custody for his own welfare and protection."

Pipers' heart sank. Shysters "secret weapon" apparently had failed to produce the results he had promised. 


	5. Chapter 5

FIVE

"Not so fast," said Shyster, pulling a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and handing it to the arbiter. "Before coming here, I had a talk with a judge myself. This is a court order instructing that the child be returned immediately to the natural parents. Since the child was unlawfully abducted, the OWIOD has no legal grounds to retain physical custody. The judge agreed with me. And as the arbiter will see, it has been properly and duly processed."

"He's right," said Settlemontos. "This court order requires the OWIOD to return physical custody of the child to Ms. Halliwell."

Piper immediately moved over and took her son away from the demoness.

"Just a formality," said Ms. Bicheterous. "In a couple of hours we will legally take physical custody of the child."

"Just try it," snapped Piper.

"I also had a little chat with your supervisor," Shyster said to Ms. Bicheterous. "It seems he agrees with me. Until the child was actually delivered, technically Piper wasn't a mother, since to be a mother necessitates that a child be present somewhere. Since she wasn't technically a mother, Piper couldn't very well be an unfit mother, now could she? And even the Other World code does not recognize an unborn fetus as a child. Otherwise it wouldn't be called a fetus.

"He also mentioned something about obtaining a court order without first performing a proper investigation. Or at least checking to see if any of the charges were valid. As required by the regulations of your own department. Your supervisor said something about reassigning this case to someone a bit less aggressive."

"This isn't over," vowed Ms. Bicheterous.

"Really?" questioned Shyster. "I got the distinct impression that your supervisor was very displeased with how this case has been handled. Oh, by the way, he said he wanted to see you the minute this hearing was over."

"Well," said the arbiter, "it would appear that the matter has been resolved. This hearing is concluded.

"Irving, I owe you an apology," said Piper back at the manor. "I thought for sure you had botched it. I was ready to vanquish you right there."

"Don't give it a second thought," said Shyster. "I had fun. And the look on Ms. Bicheterous face when I pulled out that court order was priceless."

"Se sure seemed to be out to get us," said Paige.

"She was," said Shyster. "The Seer was her sister. She blamed you for the Seer's death. I think it kind of messed up her mind."

"Thanks anyway," said Leo. "We appreciate everything you did for us."

"My pleasure," said Shyster. "See, sometimes the system does work."

"Maybe," said Phoebe, "I just wish it wasn't so emotionally exhausting."

"Say, weren't you married to the Source of all Evil at one time?" Shyster asked Phoebe.

"Yeah, but we got divorced," said Phoebe. "Besides, he's dead now."

"Oh, I know that," said Shyster. "I was just curious about something."

"What's that?" asked Phoebe.

"You got any plans for dinner?" asked Shyster.

The End

If you've enjoyed this story, you can find more "Charmed" stories at my website, You can also post your own "Charmed" stories if you like to write fan fiction.

I would also like to announce the publication of my first book, "outlander: Book One Of The Forgotten Powers Sage" available now from Publish America. You can find it on their website or at my own website with geocities under geocities . com / aramath . 


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